Now, if you're anything like me, you just got The Who stuck in your head. If you only know it as the theme song to CSI, you ought to be ashamed. But, disregarding that, as soon as you curb your lust for Tommy era Roger Daltry - even with the bad perm job, I would go back in time and jump on that man faster than you can say Pinball Wizard - if you'll focus on the question at hand, just as I seem to be having trouble doing, I would be much obliged.

Maybe it's because it's passed midnight and I recently ate about 30 Quaker Steak hotwings (who eats at a place named after Lube and thinks they'll get a good night's sleep? Me apparently), or maybe I'm just in one of my moods, but I can't sleep. I usually fall asleep pretty easily. I once fell asleep in four minutes flat - my friend timed me - but there are times about once a year for a week or so that I can't get a wink of sleep to save my life. I usually spend the time writing stories that end up sounding like things a drunken baby would come up with. There are a lot of bunnies and truly horrendous grammar. It's bad news bears for everybody.

Right now, though, I'm feeling introspective, which means, instead of Bad-Grammar-Bunnies, you guys get an entry. You lucky folks you.

I got a call today that said my first month's rent for my apartment that I move into in August is due the fifteenth of this month. I have the money, so I'm not worried, but it does really bring it all home. I'm moving out in August. I am going to be a real adult, one who doesn't live under my parents' roof. That's relatively terrifying, and I think it would be for anybody. New things are almost always terrifying.

I'm not one of those people who thought that I ought to have everything figured out by now. My daddy's in his late fifties, and I don't think he's got everything figured out by now. In fact, he recently got laid off. Which I guess I haven't really told you guys. Things haven't really changed. He's home more. That's about it.

The fact is, a lot of things are different than they were a year ago. I'm moving out soon. My older sister graduates from college next year. My father's been laid off, and my mother's moved out. My grandmother has breast cancer, which they caught early enough that it will probably go into remission. Clayton's leaving for Italy in eleven days and then for college in Kentucky - six hours away  - in September. Even though we haven't been dating that long - 6 months - he's always been there, and now he won't be.

Am I the same as I was a year ago? I don't think so. I believe people change every day, even when the changes are so small you couldn't pinpoint them if you tried. But then, if changing is so gradual, so constant, how is it ever possible to know who you are?

It's strange that with so many... I don't want to say troubles, there are a lot of people worse off than I am, but... unfamiliarities facing me, what I choose to worry about is the metaphysical shit. Maybe it's just a defense mechanism. Or, hell, maybe it's the hotwings again, but the big, real, concrete stuff doesn't feel that bad. I look at it and I think, "Fuck yeah, I can take that." Or, "I'll get by." But the things that only matter when you sit down and think about them, that's what's getting to me.

When I think about it, I could probably make a list of things that I am, right at this moment. Tired. Hungry. Anti-social. In love. A daughter, a sister, a girlfriend. A wanna-be writer. Terrified. Strong. Ranting.

But looking back, there's not much that I am right now that I can safely say I've always been, in every instance of my life. Or even in the grand scheme of things. There's not one aspect of my personality that hasn't grown or changed or flipped completely around. And if that's true, if today's so different from yesterday, then how am I ever supposed to be prepared for tomorrow?

Maybe stagnancy's the safest way to go.

It probably is.

... But being put into a coma from sheer boredom is pretty dangerous, too.

We're told not to care what people think. We're told it doesn't matter what people think as long as you're okay with yourself. I buy into this theory pretty completely. I care what people think about me, of course - anyone who says otherwise is a liar - but not enough to change me. I am who I am, and while I care if people don't like me or get the wrong idea about me, I don't care enough to change me to suit them. Occasionally people's opinions of me help me grow, and I like when people are honest with me about the way I come across - but the bottom line is it's my choice who to be.

Most high school guidance counselors can tell you that. What they forget is the flip side of the coin.

If what others think of you doesn't matter, then what you think of them also doesn't matter.

If you don't care what people think of you, then you shouldn't expect everyone else to bow to your opinions of them. If you disagree with something someone does - too bad. It's not your life, and your opinion doesn't matter.

Everyone has the right to an opinion. That's true. That doesn't mean that everyone's opinion has 1) merit, 2) facts to back it up, or 3) the right to be said out loud. There are some things that we as individuals simply do not have the right to judge.

I have acquaintances I think are making mistakes. I have friends I think are doing the wrong thing. People I know make decisions I disagree with pretty much constantly. But if I wouldn't change for them, it is backwards for me to think that they should change for me. It's backwards, but also arrogant and unhelpful.

You can give all the advice you want - but ultimately, it's someone else's decision what they do with their life. If they don't take your advice, it's nothing personal. They're just doing what you yourself are doing - not caring what other people think.

There will be times (especially, it seems, on the internet community) when I pull back from an argument. When I say enough is enough, agree to disagree, and decide that I am done. This probably means I lost the argument.

There will be times (again... mostly on the internet community) when someone says something rude to me. At these times, it's easy for me to yell back, to call them names akin to the ones they've called me, and to start an argument that is, in essence, unnecessary. There are other times when I attempt to take the high road and tell them that what they said was inappropriate, to respond but to do so with what I've decided is respect, point out how what they said was wrong, and hopefully be the bigger person. However, more and more lately, I just don't respond at all. I probably lost this argument, too.

I don't get a lot of people calling me out on things. Maybe I avoid controversy lately. Maybe I avoid saying what I feel. I admit there have been times when speaking with people with whom I don't agree politically, socially, or philosophically, that I just hold my tongue. But that's usually only when the person is older and has such a deeply different foundation of belief that I do that arguing with them simply won't help anything at all.

The fact is, people, sometimes there's no need to fight. I think we all know that. But what I think we all forget sometimes, is that in the vast majority of occasions, there's no need to fight back. People are going to be rude to you. People are going to judge your beliefs and your actions, no matter how wonderful you try to be. There will always be someone who thinks you're stupid, or obnoxious, or cruel, even if you don't deserve those names or words.

If you say something that offends another person, even if you think you're justified in saying it, it's okay to apologize. It's okay to be a little bit humble. It's okay to tell someone you're arguing with that you're simply not going to agree on this one. It's okay to ignore someone who's being rude to you. Sometimes you want to react to fire with fire, and sometimes you want to react to fire with water, but sometimes you just want to let the fire burn itself out. (Which is a really weird analogy, I don't know any scenario in which adding fire to fire somehow makes the fire go away, but I'm by no means an expert in such things.)

You're right, maybe sometimes I pull my punches and back off. But the fact is, most of the time, punching someone doesn't bring them along to your way of thinking anyway.