Wednesday, 04 March 2009
-
Are We...
... the only ones giving enough?
Oh, hey, stop,
If this love then don't put up a fight,
Don't put up a fight,
Oh, hey stop, look around, look around,
Are we the only ones crazy enough...
I hope this looks like love.I really don't want this to turn into some gushing about my boyfriend blog. It's boring, and there's more to me than Clayton. There's more to me than Will. There's more to me than every boy or girl, man or woman, dog or cat who surrounds me. At least, I like to think there is. Maybe it's arrogance - maybe your surroundings make you who you are.
I'm not sure why I care so much about what you readers see in me. You'll never see me in real life, never talk to me, never touch me. You'll never let me cry on your shoulder or hold me when I'm trying to fall asleep. You'll never hit me, hurt me, or ruin my life. It's not that you wouldn't do any of those things, if given the chance, but let's face it - odds are you'll never have that chance.
And yet, despite all these things you can never do with me, you can still know me. Or what I let you see of me. So maybe you'll never know me completely, because for all you know, I'll never be able to let go enough to tell you exactly who I am. I am a pretty biased source of information concerning myself. Should you pass me on the street, you probably won't see the person I see in myself.
Hell, half the time I don't even know what I see. Sometimes I'm pretty sure I don't really see anything. Sometimes I see a lot more than is really there.
Who am I? Yeah, that's an original question. Anyone who doesn't spend most of their lives wondering that has probably never had any real thoughts in their heads, or else were so clever that they figured out who they are long ago.
Or they're even more clever and figured out that it doesn't matter who we are. Every day I am a new person, and entertaining as it is to get lost in that person we are every now and again, if we spend all the time it would take figuring it out, we'd never do anything.
Which makes me wonder if it is who we are that defines what we do, or if what we do defines who we are.
Honestly, it's probably neither. And both. People look at things as black and white too much - no wonder shades of grey are so sad when they're so often overlooked. Loneliness, that's what makes grey so dismal looking. Shame on us for casting them aside.
Anyway, the point of this entry was not to go on a rant about... well, frankly, nothing. My point was to say that I am not "Clayton's girlfriend" and if it has seemed that that is the only thing I care about recently, I apologize. It's easy, of course, to get hung up on one aspect of your life, to view it as the only important thing, when in reality if any of the other things fell, everything would fall. I am not just "Clayton's girlfriend" in the same way I am not "Daniel's daughter" or "Miranda's friend." All of those things are important to me, help me to build who I am, but none of them are me. "Nancy" is not even who I am, really.
What I started this entry out to say was that I am scared to admit to love Clayton, for so many reasons. One of the more prominent being that, when I told him, he did not say it back. I don't mind that - I can wait for as long as it takes for him to be ready - but you all might see that as a bad sign. There's also the way I'm always going on about loving Will, which hasn't changed, I assure you, or even just the fact that Clayton and I have only been dating for two months.
It was the same way I felt about mentioning boyfriends in entries - you'll note that every third entry or so for a while, I was mentioning a different name as a boyfriend. Makes me seem a little flaky, which maybe I am. Generally speaking, I don't have serious boyfriends. Aside from Will and now Clayton, none have ever lasted a month. Maybe I am fickle, I don't know, but there are several extenuating circumstances that you will never know, because, honestly, they're boring to blog about - hell, they were boring to live through.
It really makes me appreciate the small windows through which I view your lives. I could read every xanga entry you've ever written and it wouldn't matter - I still have no idea who you are.
How exciting is that?
-
recommend
- recs 2
-
share
-
email
- sent 0
Post a Comment
- Back to AibellFaeire's Xanga Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in AibellFaeire's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (22)
IT's abundantly true and obvious, though a lot of people forget that. Unless you know the person in "real life" you're never going to know the true person behind the blog. I think ilovemy2babyboys blogged about a similar topic a few days ago.
I wouldnt consider you flaky - i think you're still searching for someone who complete you, and when you do you'll just know and all the past relationships will suddenly light up and highlight to you how they helped you into the situation you're now in.
Great, if a little rambly, blog! XP
@cmdr_keen - Hey, thanks! I appreciate the rec, too. =) I'll have to check out that entry ilovemy2babyboys wrote.
And thanks for not considering me flaky. ;)
I'm really not sure what we can deduce about a person from their blogging. I personally think some of my overall personality comes out when I write. Then again, I'm sure most people on Xanga would be surprised to meet me, expecting someone else. I feel like my personality shouldn't surprise but I'm sure it would anyway.
Because I know so many different personalities that become completely distorted online. I'm sure YouTube's user base isn't a cesspool of douchebags like how it appears.
Maybe we SHOULD view the offline and online persons as two separate and distinct individuals. Or in many cases, just not care, seeing as I'll probably never know any of these xanga people in person. their online selves, as much as it matters to me, may as well be their real selves.
-David
huh you make some really good points. there was this big issue on some elses post about do you really know xanga people. and no your not flaky! its good to rank thats what xanga is for.
anyhow thanks for stopping by. i'm court
this is really true.
i don't know who i am myself, either.
@rhinosaur767 - Only my undying affection. =)
And probably a subscription.
@Direshark - I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that all people see of us on the internet is what we WANT them to see - which means we think too much about what we post for them to see the real us. Or at least to see the complete us.
Maybe if we did stream of consciousness blogging and weren't allowed to delete, people would see the real us on the internet and we wouldn't have to seperate. But then again, we still have enough of a filter in real life that stream of consciousness doesn't play a big part in daily life. Plus blogging would feel too much like a Faulkner novel and I would cry every time I logged on xanga about how confusing life had suddenly gotten.
So maybe that's a bad idea. =P
@the_best_stuff - Thanks for not thinking I'm flaky. =) And it's nice to meet you, I'm Nancy.
@AibellFaeire -
One of my blog entries is a Stephen Crane poem... I know you want to subscribe now. :P@x_Quadrophenia - I don't think any of us really know, and the ones who seem like they do are only content with the fact that they don't.
But that's just a theory.
@rise_against_the_fray - I know what you mean. There are a lot of times when I don't right something because I think it'll be boring. It's very not James Dean of me.
@rhinosaur767 - Now I'm just too intrigued not to. =)
@ccdow - And thanks for the rec!
i sort of miss the days when i just posted whatever
@mi1kandcerea1 - I never really posted just whatever, because before I started getting people I didn't know as readers, my friends/acquaitances all had xangas, so now I'm actually less guarded, haha. I know what you mean, though - now my entries actually have to make sense to other people, haha.
It's been fun watching your shadow flit across the tightrope between the virtual and the real.
@MOSSey3535 - Something my mind does quite often, I assure you.
True you could read everything someone wrote and that wouldn't mean you know them. Then again, probably most of the people you talk to in normal life you may never actually know. Lots of people end a relationship or get a divorce and end up going "I had no idea this person was like that" for others that moment comes at death.
Though then again maybe that is what make xanga different than normal life. Some people great profiles showing who they wish they were. Others xanga is an outlet that shows the sad parts of their lives. It gives people a way out for parts of themselves they may not otherwise. After all, all to often the way others see us is not the way we want them to, not the person we want to be, not the person we are, but rather the person they need us to be.