Thursday, 14 May 2009

• A Generic Love Story pt. 2

  You Learn To Like Someone

  Clayton and I didn't start talking and really getting to know each other until December, 2006. Will and I had been together for 7 months or so. Christmas was coming up, and Clayton, Will, and I started hanging out more and more. Clayton lives down the street from Will, so it was relatively easy for him to come over. I remember what month it was because he got me a pommegranate for Christmas, because I'd never had one before. We didn't quite know how to cut it, and got the red, blood-like juice all over Will's kitchen (and the one pair of pants that made my butt look its absolute cutest) and when Will's older brother came home, he was certain someone had been murdered.

  We talked more and more, and I realized that he was a lot more serious than I previously thought. He was also very thoughtful - he had an uncanny ability to know when I needed to talk and when I didn't. He continued to do thoughtful, friendly things. He was a really great friend to me when I needed him, and to our other friends, something I admire very much in a person.

  I had a dream about him on December 28th. I know, because I made mention of it in my xanga, and just stumbled upon the entry a few weeks ago. He kissed me, told me he'd protect me. I woke up feeling safe, and like something desperately important was missing. It was the first time I realized I was attracted to him, because I couldn't let that dream go.

  I tried to ignore it, but it didn't go away. The feeling persisted. Now, when I was obnoxiously clinging to him, it was less out of the desire to be irritating than because I wanted to feel his skin (he had the softest skin in the world - he still does) and hear his laugh while he protested. I wanted to be close to him, and paid him more and more attention when we were in groups. No one else seemed to notice, but I did. I tried to get myself to stop, but I just didn't have the will power. I was young then, and there was something magnetic about him, since that dream...

  I remember a Wednesday night youth group where we were singing in the dark of the cafe in the basement of our church. I stood next to Will and Clayton was a few people down and a row behind us - I could see him if I turned my head just the right way, but not without seeing Will. I watched both of them continually, and felt absolutely sick to my stomach. Will noticed something was wrong, and asked about it that night after the group was over and we were at his house.

  On the couch in his basement (the majority of the events in my life seem to take place in basements of one sort or the other), I began to sob uncontrollably. I attempted to tell him what was wrong, but he just told me to calm down before I spoke, holding me, kissing the top of my head, and telling me it would be okay. This just made me feel worse - even now I know that Will could be a simply wonderful boyfriend most of the time - so I sobbed harder, but finally I got it out.

  "I have a crush on Clayton!" I half-sobbed, half-yelled. I clung to Will's shirt, my tears soaking into it. I'd never felt like such a wretched excuse for a human being before.

  But Will held me at arm's length from him, said that while he was hurt, it was okay. These things happen. He actually kind of figured that would happen eventually, he admitted, seeing how close we were getting. I told him I would avoid Clayton, if he wanted me to, and he thought that might be a good idea. "For your own sanity, even," he added, with a laugh, and kissed me. God, I loved him.

  I decided to at least give Clayton a reason for me avoiding him, and Will agreed that would be fair, since he hadn't really done anything wrong. So I talked to him on AIM about it. He was seeing this girl, named Sara, but it was a puppy love sort of thing. They rarely saw each other - we kidded him about it a lot, asking if they'd held hands yet, or if they had talked that month. Some of my friends still don't believe she actually exists.

  I asked him if he'd ever had feelings for anyone other than Sara, and what would he do if he did.

  "I mean... of course I'm attracted to people, but I just think about how much I care about Sara, and don't let it bother me," he replied. "Why?"

  Heh. "I've got a bit of a problem with that and Will... and you."

  At this point, Clayton would inform me later that he promptly fell out of his office chair in surprise. Upon picking himself up, we talked a bit more, and he agreed that avoiding him would probably be for the best, though I could tell he didn't like it. But he understood. He's always understood.

  I spent a while avoiding him when we were in groups. Not hanging on him, or even really talking to him. It hurt a lot, but it seemed to help. After a while, I thought I was over it, and I stopped avoiding him. At first it worked. Though there was a twinge of attraction there, it was easy enough to ignore. Months passed and we were able to be friends, though we steered clear of getting as close as we had been.

  Then Will and I started fighting, and it all went to hell.

  To be continued... again.

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