Now, if you're anything like me, you just got The Who stuck in your head. If you only know it as the theme song to CSI, you ought to be ashamed. But, disregarding that, as soon as you curb your lust for
Tommy era Roger Daltry - even with the bad perm job, I would go back in time and jump on that man faster than you can say Pinball Wizard - if you'll focus on the question at hand, just as I seem to be having trouble doing, I would be much obliged.
Maybe it's because it's passed midnight and I recently ate about 30 Quaker Steak hotwings (who eats at a place named after Lube and thinks they'll get a good night's sleep? Me apparently), or maybe I'm just in one of my moods, but I can't sleep. I usually fall asleep pretty easily. I once fell asleep in four minutes flat - my friend timed me - but there are times about once a year for a week or so that I can't get a wink of sleep to save my life. I usually spend the time writing stories that end up sounding like things a drunken baby would come up with. There are a lot of bunnies and truly horrendous grammar. It's bad news bears for everybody.
Right now, though, I'm feeling introspective, which means, instead of Bad-Grammar-Bunnies, you guys get an entry. You lucky folks you.
I got a call today that said my first month's rent for my apartment that I move into in August is due the fifteenth of this month. I have the money, so I'm not worried, but it does really bring it all home. I'm moving out in August. I am going to be a real adult, one who doesn't live under my parents' roof. That's relatively terrifying, and I think it would be for anybody. New things are almost always terrifying.
I'm not one of those people who thought that I ought to have everything figured out by now. My daddy's in his late fifties, and I don't think he's got everything figured out by now. In fact, he recently got laid off. Which I guess I haven't really told you guys. Things haven't really changed. He's home more. That's about it.
The fact is, a lot of things are different than they were a year ago. I'm moving out soon. My older sister graduates from college next year. My father's been laid off, and my mother's moved out. My grandmother has breast cancer, which they caught early enough that it will probably go into remission. Clayton's leaving for Italy in eleven days and then for college in Kentucky - six hours away - in September. Even though we haven't been dating that long - 6 months - he's always been there, and now he won't be.
Am I the same as I was a year ago? I don't think so. I believe people change every day, even when the changes are so small you couldn't pinpoint them if you tried. But then, if changing is so gradual, so constant, how is it ever possible to know who you are?
It's strange that with so many... I don't want to say troubles, there are a lot of people worse off than I am, but... unfamiliarities facing me, what I choose to worry about is the metaphysical shit. Maybe it's just a defense mechanism. Or, hell, maybe it's the hotwings again, but the big, real, concrete stuff doesn't feel that bad. I look at it and I think, "Fuck yeah, I can take that." Or, "I'll get by." But the things that only matter when you sit down and think about them, that's what's getting to me.
When I think about it, I could probably make a list of things that I am, right at this moment. Tired. Hungry. Anti-social. In love. A daughter, a sister, a girlfriend. A wanna-be writer. Terrified. Strong. Ranting.
But looking back, there's not much that I am right now that I can safely say I've always been, in every instance of my life. Or even in the grand scheme of things. There's not one aspect of my personality that hasn't grown or changed or flipped completely around. And if that's true, if today's so different from yesterday, then how am I ever supposed to be prepared for tomorrow?
Maybe stagnancy's the safest way to go.
It probably is.
... But being put into a coma from sheer boredom is pretty dangerous, too.
Comments (13)
things always change for the better or worse. I never thought I would be where I am now. I still don't have things figured out either but I can say I'm perfectly okay. maybe it's normalcy some people are striving for.
@LetheOfHeaven - Maybe it is, even for us quirky ones who don't really want to admit it. Maybe all any of us really want is the idea that we're doing what's supposed to be done.
"But then, if changing is so gradual, so constant, how is it ever possible to know who you are?"
that's why the greatest adventure is contained in Socrates' "Know Thyself" dictum. Followed by "The unexamined life is not worth living".
And I don't think he meant in a navel-gazing sort of way either
@TheUnbearableLightnessofPeeing - Navel gazing. Sounds majestic.
Strange that you should mention Socrates. I've been thinking about him lately. I read the Apologia a while ago, and it keeps being tossed around in my brain, and I'm not really certain why. Just a coincidence I guess.
"Know Thyself" has always seemed like a pretty selfish mystery to me, but I guess it's the only thing we're really capable of knowing inside and out. Or maybe it just gives us the tools to understanding. Maybe, if we know ourselves, we just get one step closer to knowing everything else.
Or maybe that's a load of tripe. Who knows?
For once, we are different on something! It usually takes me at LEAST a half hour to fall asleep. Lol. Usually longer than that.
I agree that we change every day. Looking back on a year from now, everyone can see that we each change. A lot can happen in a year. There are a few experiences though, that I can pin point... but only a few. The others, like you've said, are gradual and not so noticeable. Or maybe they are. After all, hindsight is 20/20.
But then, being a rather introspective person, I can often say... well.. wow... I sure learned from that... and know that I am changing. I know my freshman year of college I called my mom a few times often saying, I'm an adult now. I understand you better. I never realized how much like you that I am.
Of course... 5 years from then... I've learned that actually, my mom and I are very different. I've stopped valuing the things that are so important to her... like... being an obsessive neat freak. Like... ok, it's important to be neat... but it was a stress in my life and it ended up also being an expectation of others in my life... and that wasn't fair to myself, or to others.
I also camped in the desert for 3 months. The one thing that taught me?
It's just dirt. I gotta get over it.
Nothing was ever clean when I lived in the desert. And until I got that nice shower every 10 days or so, I had a fine layer of dust on my skin that not even baby wipes could fully clean off. And well... the good thing was it protected me from the sun. If anything.
Hmm... this was a sort of brain vomit comment. Apologies.
i think you're quite strong. moving out will be great. are you going to collitch this fall?
i takes me 2-3 hours to fall asleep at night.. but only a couple of minutes to fall asleep for a nap in the day. weird, huh?
anyways, the who is effing awesome and pete townshend is a walking boner and he was the one who inspired me to start playing the guitar, so mad props to him! congrats on the apartment.. aren't you sort of scared though? i know i'll be on my own next fall when i start college and quite frankly, i'm already scared shitless.
@x_Butterflies_and_Hurricanes_x - I love your brain vomit comments. Never apologize for them. They make me smile. =)
There are a lot of moments I look back on and think, "I think that might of changed me," but I can never really pinpoint how. Like, this moment is what made me liberal, this is the one that made me less conflict oriented, that kind of thing. I know I really do understand my parents more now that I'm older, but you're right, there are a lot of ways I've realized I'm different from them.
When I was younger I wanted to be just like my dad. I still want to be like him. He's smart - scary smart, encyclopedia smart - and a great parent who cares for people and understands the world around him. But there are a lot of things I see in him that I don't want. He has a temper sometimes, although more and more rarely as us kids get older, and he's never really done anything with his life. He's always provided for us, and I don't look down on him at all for it. I think he's doing what he wants to be doing, which I respect, but it's definitely not what I want.
I think part of growing up isn't just separating yourself from your parents, but becoming more like them in certain ways as well.
@complicatedlight - Not this semester. I'm taking a break (Yeah, they all say that, I know) but I'll be back to college in the spring. At least, that's the plan. I may find that I like it better not in school. And thank you, that means a lot. =)
@x_Quadrophenia - Oh, I'm terrified on some levels and nothing but excited on others. I've wanted to have my own space for a long time, and the friends I'm moving in with are the best people in the world. I have a pretty wide safety net, so I'm not really on my own, just... a little separated. Doesn't stop me from being scared. I think no matter how certain or safe a decision is, if it's life-changing, you're going to be scared. It's only human.
And Pete Townshend is a GOD, I say! A God!
@AibellFaeire - haha yeah.. i already don't live with my parents, and soon enough i won't be living with my aunt and my cousins either.. or anyone else, rather. and i don't have any relatives in the city. and they'd all be a 45 minute drive away. including the boyfriend, and yeah haha. i guess, thats true that if it's life changing, it is pretty scary..
and he is a god! THE god. i don't care what anyone else says, pete townshend is the best at guitar. screw slash from guns n' roses, he's so up his ass and overrated haha.
@x_Quadrophenia - Slash is sweet and all, but anyone who argues he's the best is drunk. I can name about ten guitar players that easily top him, and about a dozen others who arguably do.
It'll be scary to live all on your own in a new city, but you'll manage. I know you'll be just fine, though it might be something to adjust to.
The last year has brought many changes into my life as well, which makes me nervous and scared and fearful. People should say I should be excited but I just never feel that way, sure I get comfortable after a while but even a big blessing of a great job may mean moving and getting somewhere and into something so new... it is crazy and when your single you really feel like you are facing it all alone. Sure you have friends, but will they be your friends forever or only cause they are bored and your around?
This last year has taught me life is complicated and I really am getting tired of being alone, not just being single but it seems so difficult to hang out with friends who all have off schedules like myself...
@TheUnbearableLightnessofPeeing - Socrates also said that the only true wisdom is to realize that you know nothing. In that way, nothing is settled, and so the sapling never hardens to a stiff and immovable tree, but keeps being flexible, supple, unbreakable: prepared for change. Having expectations (i.e. desires) leads only to a single inevitability--for those expectations to eventually not be met, at which point the set-in-stone person will be unable to cope.
@AibellFaeire - "Maybe stagnancy's the safest way to go." Absolutely not. Never. Not unless you want to breed mold, rot, mosquitoes, and death, for those are what come out of stagnant water. Hear it very well: Water does not ken wither it goes, but runs nonetheless; so long as it does so it is vital, the sound of it is full of music and joy and triumph, and it brings life to all manner of things. Change is necessary, for the alternative is to die (and to remain dead without hope).
To know thyself, you need not know the future, or what changes may come. It is not, "Know what thou wilt be." "Know thyself." So mark what changes are happening right here and now, be cognizant, empathetic, observant, attentive to every detail. Be awake, do it please ya. To know oneself is to discontinue in apathy and complacency, to cease being the dead sodden leaf floating along down the stream and to start being the God-pounding river. Mark every thing as it happens, apply the meaning, contour to it, creep into it, become it and let it become you. Understand. Examine. Inquire. Devour. Know. Thus will you know yourself, for you will know everything that relates to you and merge with it. Know and understand also your intents and decisions. Make no idle choice, but deliberate everything, even if it be only for an instant. Ken thy purpose. Thou art thy will, so know that. Know why you do things. Do nothing without purpose.
"I think part of growing up isn't just separating yourself from your parents, but becoming more like them in certain ways as well." I agree. I believe the sage knows that she is not only a part of everything, but she is everything, and everything is her. Each man, each woman, each child, each tree, each microbe, each proton is not only a universe, but a universe of universes, an infinity of infinities, and they are all bound together, for they are all woven from the same fine fabric and burn with the same Secret Fire.
I wish you well in your endeavour, and hope that it is somewhat less insane than my own experience thereat (o' course, that was a situation that involved a number of dangerous psychopaths and the desire to put as much distance between us and them as possible). My feeling (and my furvent hope) is that you will do well.
@x_Butterflies_and_Hurricanes_x - Oh, and I'm fairly fond of brain vomiting as well. Accolades.
@StarvingArtist_13 - You remind me so much of my father, which is a good thing. He says the same things you do, about being awake to the world around you. It's always seemed like good advice to almost everything. If you're awake, you don't miss things, and if you don't miss things, then you learn something.
The do nothing without purpose bit is the toughest, I think, for me. I do quite a view things that seem to be without purpose, mostly pertaining to the nasty little temper I've acquired. Although lately, it's been worked down from picking fights to leaving them room when things get heated, and hopefully soon I'll be able to stay my temper and deliver my thoughts without getting angry. I guess learning how to do that is all a part of knowing yourself, isn't it?
I'm hoping it'll be less insane than your endeavor as well. From what I've heard about it (which, granted, isn't that much) it doesn't seem like something I'd want to wish on anyone, myself included. I'm sorry that you had to go through something like that, my dear, especially when undertaking something that is scary enough as it is without psychopaths added into the mix. I truly appreciate your encouragement and support. It means a lot, I can't even tell you. <3